I know I'm not a moderator, however, I would like to help you out anyways with my things that I think could make this better.
You don't have to change these, however I will say them anyways. Also, everything I say here is meant to help, not to make you frustrated at me. I just think this could use some improvement.
Personality: Marise is nice most times but she can be mean at times too. When she's really mad she will try to hurt you really bad. She loves to train her fighting skills because she wants to get really strong. Marise loves Raman. It's her favorite food. She has a bandanna over her mouth because it's what her clan does. She hangs out with herself a lot because she fells emptyness and still can't forget her mother and father's death.
Use better wording. Mean at times? Hurt you really bad? she wants to get really strong? That's language of a 4th grader. Use more words like "She loves to train her fighting skills because she wants to know that she can prove herself in combat" or "When she's mad, she goes into a furious rage, and will strike at you in attempt to injure you". Also, Ramen? Thats not very creative, considering Naruto in the show likes it, however, you may like it. Use COMPOUND SENTENCES. Remember, the things we learned in 5th grade? Marise loves ramen, it's her favorite food. Add things like how she treats each gender, her tone of voice, and her ideas and beliefs.
Kekei Genkai: Marise's clan's bloodline is known to have a lot of curse marked people.
Not a kekei genkai, this would go under clan history. If you don't have a kekei genkai, just say so.
Clan History: Orchimaro is known to hate the clan so him and Kabuto attacked the village a long time ago. He planted a big poison tree wear it looks normal but when someone touches it the poison will kill them or make them really ill. It had peaches on it so people would touch the tree more. He also cursed marked a lot of people. The clan has a population of 15,000 but they started at a population of 30,000 so half of the population died because Orchimaro.
Again, better word choice, please. Things like "make them really ill" "He also cursed marked a lot of people" and "touch the tree more" is really 2nd grade. Also, why does Orochimaru hate the clan? What did the clan do against him? How did he make the tree? Why does he curse mark the clan he hates? A little more detail here would go a long way.
Rank: Genin
Village: Hidden Leaf Village
Skill Information:
Skill Specialty: Ninjutsu and Genjutsu
Elemental Affinity:Her main one is Lightning and the sub is Earth
There is a huge problem here. First of all, you're a genin, with not only more then one skill specialty fresh out of the academy. But not just one, but TWO elements?!!? Not only is that rediculus, I'm almost positive it is forbidden.
Special Characteristics: Curse Seal makes her have red eyes and makes her skin purple and makes her bigger and stronger.
Geez, talk about no detail. How much stronger? How much bigger? Does it give her more chakra? Make her faster? Make her jutsu better? For example: "Her curse seal makes grow to to 7 feet tall, and gain enough muscle to easaly throw a boulder across a football field" or something like that.
Name:Tiger Strike
Rank:C-rank
Element:Lightning
Description: She gets elcectricty all over her body and punches the oppent really hard and it shocks them and makes them fly.
Besides the elemental affinity at genin level, this ability is very non-descriptive. "Shocks them and makes them fly" is not very discriptive. For example: "The tiger strike makes them fly ten feet away. It takes one post to get back up. During this time, they are stunned, and may not do any action besides get up." Also, for all of your jutsu, put how much chakra it requires, and how often it may be used. For example: "This ability requres almost no chakra, and may be used any number of times per thread" Also, electricity all over her body is almost irrelevent for the strike.
Name: Eath Crackle Spear
Rank:D-rank
Element: Earth
Description: She hit's the ground making it crack in front of her. Then she makes a spear out of the earth's crust and throws it at the oppent.
Details, details, details.
How does she make a spear out of the earths crust? Using her chakra? How long does this take? How big is the spear? How big is the crack? How far does it go?
Name: Mega Electric Ball
Rank:C-rank
Element: Lightning
Description: She hits the oppent down and jumps in the air and forms a big electric ball and throws it at the oppent.
Details AGAIN. Does her opponent need to be hit down to use the ability? How does she throw the ball? How high does she jump? How far does the ball go? The jumping question may not be relevent to the jutsu, but it is relevent to counter strikes. Your opponent isn't incometant (Most of the time).
History/Background Story: She's in the genin arc. She was 4 years old when her dad and mom touched the tree of illness. Her dad died quikly but her mom got ill. Her mom had a illness that can't be cured and was getting worse each day. The day she died that's when Marise started feeling emptiness. Orchimaro bite her when she was alone. Marise was in a lot of pain for days. After that she went to the academy to become a sudent so she could protect herself from evil villans. She graduated when she was 12. Now she's a genin and lives on her own. She tries to be around people as much as she can and overcome the emptiness feeling which she's really close to stopping.
Why did her dad and mom touch the tree of illness? Were her parents together at the time? What were the symptoms of her illness? *Bit* not bite. Why did Orochimaru bite her? How did Orochimaru find her? What intrested Orochimaru in her? How did she live with the curse seal? Curse seals take over the body unless under constant restraint from chakra, and before the academy, I doubt she could hold it back. You can change the time of the biting. Evil villans is vauge, many people consider different villages evil, though they may not be. Does she have a grudge against the Hidden Sound village? Details, details, details.
Mon 29 Jul 2024, 3:32 pm by 
