Need advice~Read and enjoy~

Please, become my critics. Writing a book:

A figure stalked through the doorway of an abandoned home. His pure red eyes moved slowly from left to right, taking in the surroundings.
‘This is it.” The male sighed, rolling his eyes.
The male as if he was no older than eighteen, standing tall and straight. He had pure red eyes, like frozen blood. He wore a cloak that covered his entire body besides his hand and head. The cloak was black, adorned with crimson, vine patterns that wound around the entire cloak as if the cloak were a tree. The figure’s fingers were long, thin, and pale. The nails colored purple. The figure also wore a large hat. This hat looked more like a pirate would wear it, with a blood red feather in it. The hat was tilted forward, shadowing over his face so that only his eyes appeared. As the figure moved further into the home, his body seemed to glide across the floor. The figure moved three rooms in, finding a small shrine. This shrine had too many candles to count, and a statue of a demon. This small black statue was as vicious as it was detailed. The sculpture had captured the demon down to the bulging veins. It was almost human. The only thing that differed was those horns and teeth. The teeth were barred like a dog’s fangs, the horns like a goat’s. The demon looked angry, its arms crossed over its chest, squatting on a stone. Its eyes glared directly at the figure, giving him the creeps. Suddenly, from the sleeve of the figure, came a gust of wind that shattered the statue. As the statue shattered, a pure red mist flew out. This mist began spiraling into a pillar where the statue was. In the statues place, stood the very demon the statue had depicted.
“Freedom…Reward….What man Want?” The demon spoke in a gravelly voice.
The figure sighed, obviously not very intelligent. “How about I get you for a reward?” The figure asked, laughing through the sentence.
As soon as the sentence had finished, a scimitar fell out of the cloak, it looked like it had been held there by a clasp on the inside. The scimitar landed, embedding itself in the wooden flooring. The demon flinched as the sword fell out of the cloak. It was a beautiful sword. Made of a red form of metal, it looked like rubies. The handle was wrapped in black leather, and at the end was a small tassel. The figure wrapped his arm around the handle, pulling it out of the flooring. He did so while walking toward the demon. As soon as the demon was in sweeping range, the male slashed forward, cleaving the demon in half. Cries of agony could be heard for miles. After three minutes of screaming, the body disintegrated, leaving a small bright blue glass orb behind.
“One Maraball down, ten to go.” The male said, revealing a small piece of parchment. He picked up the ‘Maraball’ from the ground, placing it in his pocket. He also pulled a small quill from his pocket, dipping it in a bowl of blood that was obviously at the shrine as a sacrifice. He scratched out a name with his quill. The name was ‘Firoth’. There were ten more names down the list.
~~~~~~~~

That was a page of the prologue(Working on finishing that up.)

This is the beginning of the first chapter:
Sin ran as fast as his legs could take him, looking behind him every few minutes. His breathe was coming out more difficultly now, and his legs were on fire. Behind Sin were three demons, they each held a menacing scythe in their hands, the signature of a possessor demon. Realizing that he couldn't run anymore, he stopped and spun around. Sin wasn't a very tall demon; he was a child in their eyes, only four hundred and thirty three. He stood slightly shorter than the three demons in front of him. He wore no shirt, never did, and black jeans plants that were chained and spiked. This outfit made him look even more human than he already did. Sin wore his hair short and white, his eyes black ice where a human would have color. His nose was skinny and small. His lips were thin and black. Sin had white eyebrows the same shade as his hair, almost snow. There were only four things that made him look like a demon, his wings, his tail, his fangs, and his claws. His wings were an arms-length from his spine to the tip. They grew from the spine, right in between his shoulder blades. They were bony wings, with a small amount of skin between the ribs of the wings, making them usable for flight. His tail was thin and bony like his wings, jet black and leathery to the touch. It was about the length of his legs, and ended with a spearhead point. This point allowed the tail to become a weapon. His fangs were about four centimeters in length, and there were only two, his canine teeth. The last things were his claws. The claws were really just long, bony, fingers, ending in sharp nails as hard as steel. These claws were able to tear through someone easily however, making him deadly in hand-to-hand combat. Sin stood straight, pulling two kama from their sheath on his belt. He preferred the two kama to those huge scythes any day of the week.
"Look, Punk. We want your powers. So you die here." The leader of these three said, laughing menacingly.
"So you killed him? You’re Leader? Kurn?" Sin asked, thinking hard. It all fit! They were the last ones to see him, and the next day they seemed much more powerful in class.
"That we did. Got a problem?" The leader said. The leader's name was Cors, and he was a vicious demon. He swung his scythe toward Sin after closing the gap between them.
Sin's instincts kicked in at that moment. He raised the kama to block the scythe, making an X with the blades, and blocking the blades with the blunt edge of the kama. Then, without thinking, Sin did something spectacular. He threw all of his weight forward, sweeping out his leg. His made an arc and landed on the scythe. The crack of bone resonated as the bone handle of the scythe shattered. Sin used the momentum of the kick to flip forward and cut down with his kama. Sin's arm jarred as the kama hit the part of the bone handle that Cors held up to defend himself, leaving the other half on the ground. There was a sickening crunch as the bone broke, sending splinters through the air. One of the demons, a master at the use of demon magics, held up his arm. His arms were covered by massive sleeves, and from one sleeve came a pitch black tendril. The tendril moved liked a whip, knocking the kama out of Sin’s hands. Weaponless, and outnumbered, Sin panicked. He began clawing at anyone who came near, scratching furiously without thinking.
Soon, the three had Sin pinned down unto the ground. One demon held his arms down as the other held his ankles down. He fought furiously, a burning pain coming from his back where his wings were being crushed into hard stone. The leader held a scythe to Sin’s throat as he prepared to suck out Sin’s soul. Sin began to feel Cors’s soul inside his own body. Suddenly, an electric shock seemed to pulse through his body, and he heard three voices in his head. The voices called out for help, but seemed to find none. As suddenly as the three voices appeared, they were gone. A new voice came into his head, that of Kurn.
“You are in their souls, a feet I could never do. You possess the ability to take control of all three of them at once.” Kurn’s voice said, almost smothered by pain.
“What do you mean? I can take their souls? But that is illegal!” Sin cried out in his mind, unable to physically say the words.
“Do not worry, you will soon have the power of five possessor demons, no one can challenge you now.” Kurn said, fading with the last word.

The next thing Sin knew, he had awoken in his cave. All along his body were severe burn marks and he felt a pain within his body he had never felt before. It felt as if someone had placed embers under his skin. Sin screamed in pain as a demon came in and tried to sooth him. For nearly a year on it’s own he screamed in pain, crying when his voice would fail him. After a year of recovery the pain stopped. Once he had calmed down enough a teacher explained what had happened to him.

“We found you unconscious in the Rayne. Do you know how dangerous that is? You could have died.” The teacher said furiously. “Unfortunately for you, you survived. I can’t imagine that pain. Is it true that the Rayne causes you to feel the agony of a million souls? That doesn’t matter, what does is that we found three dead bodies near you. The court has made the decision that you are to be exiled in one month’s time for your crime. You will have a four week head start to get to the city of the exiled before they hunt you. Now, here are the kama you always liked and a new pair of pants. God’s Speed.” With that the teacher had left Sin to rest, and that’s exactly what Sin did for the entire month he had. He had no family or friends to say good bye to, so he rested and trained. When he wasn’t doing either he read.
He learned things he had never even thought of before. He learned that Marrabells were really the souls of demons, trapped into glass orbs to protect the humans. He learned of other dimensions where Marrabells were sold as toys, the humans unaware of what was inside. He learned that Rayne was really the part of the soul of a demon that held its agony and pain. This part of the soul was what made a demon powerful, so it was taken out of a Marrabell. He discovered that one drop of Rayne made normal demons insane, and being caught in a storm would kill a demon. Sin figured that the only reason he survived was because he had five souls within him.
When the month was over, Sin departed from the city. He had to duck away from the weapons and fruit hurled at him from his old schoolmates. He ran out of the gate, holding his kama close to his waist and one arm over his head to protect himself. Once in the woods he took to the sky and flew as fast as he could. He would rest at the nearest town and get a map.
Having never left the academy before, Sin was fascinated with what he saw as he walked through the forest. It was so full, and loud. The trees had no leaves, and no plant grew, but Sin was able to somehow feel their life, as if it radiated warmth like a sun. This thought brought him to his next observation. In the academy it was always nighttime, but outside it was midday and the three suns above him blazed. Each sun was a different size, but he could only seem to sense one sun’s life-force, the smallest ones.

YAY!!!!!!!!!!.....Just like me KIdate....writing a book....,but this one pawns all!!!!!

pwns*

And thnx you

That's really cool kidate. i always thought that if I want to write a book of my own or draw manga like Kishimoto...Hmm which one is best? I dunno what.

Manga is way harder

Yeah, my writing is sloppy but I am a pro artist..
I think i will start drawing manga and make it about 10 pages than i can copy it and post it on here and see what you think. I can give it a try or i will write a story and see which one is better..Book or Manga?

Manga, make it and post it. I want to read

Yah...Great Idea Kunkato...

Interesting, he only did 3 boxes like kishi's one page in one day..man he made me look at it like ...all night?
=) He's very, very better at drawing than I am. :)

Please only discuss the book